The Layers of Grief: Navigating the Holidays with Understanding and Compassion
Anticipating the holiday season as grievers will mean something different to all of us, but we know that community, even through a blog post, is essential to remembering that we are not in this season alone. We, at the Forrest Spence Fund, are launching a month long series of weekly blog posts as one way to care for our community. We hope these posts will be your companions as we journey through the holiday season together.
Let’s normalize the layers of grief and how it shows up through…
#1 Our bodies – Grief is a natural and normal response to loss. Whether your loss is recent or not, grief can come and go in waves and show up in our minds and bodies. Know that you are not alone if you notice changes in your sleep, appetite, energy levels, or even aches and pains, as these are just a few ways that grief can manifest in our bodies.
#2 Our complex emotions – Anytime of the year brings on complex emotions for grievers, but the holidays can amplify them. It is okay if you are feeling multiple emotions at one time — to feel both love and loss, for example. Your grief journey is unique to you, and there’s no rhyme or reason for what you might be experiencing day to day or minute to minute. A profound coping tool is allowing ourselves to feel more than one thing at one time, remembering that they can coexist. We can miss and long for someon, and we can enjoy moments with our loved ones.
#3 Our thought loops – Keep an eye out for thoughts rooted in comparison. We can expect to have these thoughts, and we can make a plan around them. As you prepare, keep in mind what sort of societal or cultural triggers might affect you. Notice if you find yourself feeling low after holiday marketing messages and images geared towards “the most magical time of the year,” which may be a stark contrast to your experience. A key tenet of navigating the holidays is knowing that you get to decide what works for you and your family, and it does not need to look like everyone else’s holiday to be good for you.
So please be kind to yourself…
Yes, this means self-care, but not just surface level care. What would it look like if you kept in mind all the ways in which you might experience grief and allowed that understanding to give you permission to treat yourself like you would treat a close friend or family member? How might your days look if you were to infuse self-compassion and gentleness into your daily routine?
No, but really, imagine right now that your close friend or family member is in front of you and they are experiencing what you are experiencing right now…what words would you say to them? Would they be gentle and soft? Would your focus be entirely on them conveying your support to them? Would you let them know they are not alone? We imagine you wouldn’t dismiss, ignore, or minimize their experience. Now, imagine flipping those words towards yourself. If that is difficult, you could call into mind a loved one saying those words to you. Allow that to settle in.
Remember, whatever may rise to the surface this season is 100% normal, and you’re not alone.